


Phil is not on fire 10

by NelindeA



Series: Fragments [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Even though it's sad, I mean it's still mostly fluffy and stuff, Major character death - Freeform, Other, Sad Phil Lester, Ten Years of Dan and Phil, pinof 10, terminal illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 12:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17683154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NelindeA/pseuds/NelindeA
Summary: The real reason why there were only ever going to be ten PINOFs.





	Phil is not on fire 10

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in the first half of November (2018) before Pinof 10, before the Tumblr Answer time, before the final Dan vs. Phil and before they announced their little hiatus. So, read this and tell me I'm not psychic and definitely on to something.

Dan had always known he wouldn't make it through University. He knew even before he'd started; before he even picked Law as his degree of choice.

He knew because of a certain doctor's visit that had happened early in 2009.

It had come out of nowhere. Sure, there was a pain that occurred behind his eyes every so often, but he figured that was due to spending long hours staring at a brightly lit screen every night instead of sleeping. He hadn't thought that pain could be seen in his eyes.

He definitely wasn't expecting some guy in probably his late 20s to stare at him worriedly for a considerable amount of time on the Tube, and then walk over and introduce himself as a doctor who studied the very latest kinds of diseases. He handed Dan his card and told him to come see him.

Dan had taken the card to be polite, though firmly believing that this guy had all sorts of different intentions. But the card looked so professional and had so much information that he decided to just quickly look him up online, and found out that he was actually legit.

His parents agreed that if a doctor actually took the time to approach you and tell you something might be wrong with you, it was best to go see them. And after examining Dan for what seemed a longer time than usual, the doctor delivered the news that no one was expecting to hear that day.

"You've got ten years left to live."

Dan was pretty skeptical at first, though no one would have known, as he didn't say anything. His mother and father, who had both elected to come with him, to his great embarrassment, began arguing with the doctor and demanding how he could possibly know that, and what reasons could he give for that assumption. Dan sat quietly through it all, understanding no more than his parents, but coming away just as convinced as them.

He would die in 2019.

The doctor couldn't give a date, or a month, or even a season really, but it would likely happen near the beginning of the year, around the time of his diagnosis. And Dan would be able to tell when it was coming.

After that, of course, Dan really couldn't see the point in going to Uni when he could only use the degree for six years afterwards anyway, but his parents thought differently. "There are probably many people at Uni right now who won't even make it to the end of their four years," they said. "The only difference is that they don't know how much time they've got left. If you only have ten years, make the most out of them. Do everything and anything you want to do."

Dan still didn't feel quite inclined to go, but he also didn't want to leave his parents with them feeling disappointed in him, so he randomly picked Law and decided to just get the degree.

However, he agreed that he should do whatever he wanted to do, and in the first few days after his diagnosis he'd been constantly messaging AmazingPhil on Youtube in the hopes of getting noticed, and also writing down all his ideas he'd had for making a Youtube channel.

But all those "running out of time" feelings kind of disappeared after the first week or so and he went back to his normal life of procrastination and Internet browsing once he realized that nothing was directly affecting him at the moment. After all, ten years was a pretty long time.

But those messages to Phil had still gone out, and Phil noticed, and so their friendship was born without Dan really intending for that to happen.

But he was glad it did; he was so glad it did, because through Phil he was able to accomplish things he'd never dreamed of. He was able to start Youtube, and to write a book, and go on tour twice, and make millions of people happy, and meet so many heroes of his that had made him happy.

Phil knew about Dan's diagnosis, of course he knew. Dan had told him the day they'd filmed Phil is Not On Fire, and though Phil had been very sorry for his friend even then, Dan knew that if he waited, it would only be worse for them both the closer they got.

But Phil almost never brought it up, likely thinking at the time, as Dan did, that they probably wouldn't even still be friends in ten years, at least not friends that saw each other very often.

And so when the fateful day came when Dan knew he didn't want to pursue a Law degree anymore, it was a day that he knew was coming. He knew it was only a matter of time before his resolve wavered, and he realized what a massive waste of time and money it was to pursue this when he didn't even really want it in the first place.

But he hadn't forseen that Phil would be there on that day, encouraging him, supporting him, and making the year 2019 seem like a thousand years away. And that was the day when Dan knew that his friendship with Phil would last the rest of his life; even though that wouldn't come for another eight years. If he didn't die before then, anyway.

In the years that followed, Dan and Phil continued to completely avoid the topic, although Dan would let comments slip sometimes that made Phil just look at him sadly, but laughing in the hopes of covering that up. 2017 was a breakthrough year for Dan, where he seemed to completely shed his skin and become an entirely new person, as if seizing what little time he had left. He was the one who suggested going on another tour even though they'd literally just come back from their last one. And he was the one who pressured Phil to actually do an entire month of Gamingmas, even when he himself had no voice.

But 2018 was the year where Phil noticed the difference the most. In their videos, and in their everyday life, Dan was much nicer to Phil. Of course Dan had always been nice, and Phil knew that the Amazing Phil fan in Dan had never really died. But Dan was always the one to push for something and get his way, and Phil would quietly let him. Now Dan stepped back and let Phil be in command. And he stepped away from Youtube, too. Not completely. He couldn't bear to completely, it seemed, as he was constantly badgering Phil to make a gaming video with him, and whenever Phil announced that he was going to make a video, Dan kept dropping hints until Phil let him be in them.

But when Phil dared to ask why Dan didn't make any of his own, Dan said that he was trying to get his audience used to the fact that they wouldn't see him anymore. And Phil began to rapidly sink into a depression that he was extremely careful never to let his best friend see. Dan had enough existential crises and mental breakdowns without worrying about the effect it was having on Phil, too.

But it was hitting Phil hard. Much harder than Dan, who still completely avoided the subject of his oncoming demise, except for the hints that he began dropping more and more frequently into videos. He was preparing for it. He was preparing them, and he was preparing himself.

He had no idea how to prepare Phil for it.

"Hey," Dan said, plopping down next to Phil on the sofa one day. "You know what it's almost time for?"

Phil's hands froze above his keyboard. "What?" he asked, not looking up.

"Phil is Not on Fire 10, of course!" Dan said, shoving him. "What did you think I was gonna say?"

Phil smiled at him. "I don't know, I was just afraid you were going to make me go outside or something terrible like that," he said.

Dan laughed. "Never, Phil. So, when are we going to do PINOF? It's already the middle of November, and the people are clamoring."

Phil gave another smile. "Soon," he promised. "But I mean, we're really in no hurry. They know it's coming."

Dan gave him kind of an odd look, but of course, he didn't push it. Even though PINOF had become just as much his thing as Phil's it still was always Phil's first. He tried not to mention it for the next couple of days, but he was getting anxious at Phil's apparent lack of interest. There was no way he could have forgotten about it, as their followers were spamming all of their accounts with reminders that it was that time of year again. Finally, on the last day of November, Dan brought it up again.

"December is always busy, for everyone," he said. "Especially for us. If we put it off any longer it will turn into Christmas, and then 2019, and then for the first time there will be a year without a Phil is Not on Fire. We can't do that."

"I know, I know," Phil said, with what might have sounded like impatience if Dan didn't know him better. "Look, we'll do it this weekend, all right?"

"Don't you want to do it?" Dan asked gently. "I mean, you do realize that this…" he swallowed, about to mention the unmentionable. "This is the last time that I'll…"

"That's exactly why I don't want to do it!" Phil burst out. "I've been putting it off because I'm trying to savor it, okay?"

Dan hadn't even thought that that might be the reason. He'd only been thinking of how much he looked forward to doing it every year, and he knew he wouldn't miss it next year because he wouldn't be here. But that's when he remembered that Phil would. Phil would still be here, in November of 2019, feeling empty because he didn't have anyone to draw cat whiskers on.

Dan scooted right up close to Phil, and then let himself slide down so that his head was resting against Phil's shoulder. "I mean we could do PINOF 11 in March or something…" he said, but Phil shook his head.

"No," he said. "No, this needs to be our closure. It's the tenth one, and it'll be the same time of year it always is. Give or take a week. We'll do it this weekend, Dan. I promise."

But neither one really was ready as they sat on Phil's bed, staring at the camera, holding a pen, with the laptop full of questions in front of them.

Phil looked sideways at Dan. "We have to be happy and silly," he said.

"I know," Dan said quietly.

"We have to behave the way we always do," Phil continued.

"I know."

"Because they still don't know," Phil said. "And even when they do, if they come back to this and it feels sadder than the rest…"

Dan jerked forward and pressed record before Phil could finish. "People, are you ready for the greatest milestone in the history of pens! Whisker yourselves up, cause it's Phil is Not on Fire Ten!"

Phil laughed. "Hey, that was good!" He said. "I can't believe you came up with that before me!"

Dan cracked his knuckles. "Okay, Philly, hand it over," he said. "And don't you dare criticize me for taking too long, because these whiskers are going to be the ones sketched on our gravestones!"

He leaned forward, about to apply the pen to Phil's face, but Phil turned away. "Stop," he said quietly. "I don't want my face to be wet when you do it."

Dan leaned back. "Sorry," he said, just as quietly. "But I mean, we do mention death and gravestones in like every single one of these."

"Yeah, but we were always joking before."

"I still was," Dan said. "Come on, Phil, live in this moment, okay? You won't enjoy it if you keep thinking of it as the last one. Imagine we've still got forty more."

Phil nodded, and then smiled again. "Okay, go ahead."

Once the whiskers were actually on, both were able to relax and really get into it. There were one or two moments when one had to stop for a moment, or where one made a face that they made a mental note to hide in the editing. But they only other difference was that they kept going, answering question after question, and getting more giggly all the time. They continued recording for a little over an hour and a half, until Dan collapsed on the bed and said, "Okay, my head literally aches from laughing so much. We need to stop."

And Phil instantly obliged, saying "That's gonna be a monster to edit."

"Yeah, hopefully it won't have the same fate of the Vegas video."

"We should have totally just recreated the Vegas video footage!"

"What, and have that be the tenth anniversary of PINOF?"

"I mean, the only thing that makes PINOF PINOF is that cat whiskers. So as long as we had some of those…"

Dan was laughing again. "Honestly Phil, I don't even remember anything that was in that footage. I don't know it that's 'cause we were drunk the whole time or because I haven't thought about it in six years, but I think we closed that chapter by making up a story for TABINOF."

Neither wanted to lose the rare feeling that filming had given them, so they decided to order pizza and just watch various Netflix shows until they passed out.

But Dan woke up with the headache that hadn't quite gone away the night before. It was gone by the end of that day, and he was able to help edit the video, and film several others, and prepare the bloopers video for Christmas, and enjoy the holidays just as much as anyone else.

But the headache would come back, frequently, and more frequently as January and February wore on. By the middle of March he had stopped going anywhere besides his bed or the sofa, and on both he would just lay huddled up in blankets, usually in darkness if he could, because the light would just hurt his eyes. He still tried to film videos with Phil, but those were getting few and far between.

Phil hadn't said anything about this, because he wasn't ready to accept the fact that Dan might be done anymore than Dan himself was. But then Dan started randomly passing out, and Phil could never tell when it was going to happen or whether Dan would even wake up, and that's when he finally said, "Dan. You have to tell them."

And Dan knew it. He started writing down exactly what he wanted to say, which was something he'd been against doing since the very start of his channel, but now he was genuinely afraid that he'd forget something while filming, or he wouldn't be able to tell if was forming ideas coherently. It took him several days to finish his script, and then he made Phil read it over to decide if it sounded good. Filming it took an entire day, because Dan had to stop every few minutes for various physical—or emotional—reasons. When he was reaching the end, he suddenly looked up at Phil behind the camera and motioned for him to come sit next to him. Phil was surprised, as he wasn't supposed to be in the video, but he carefully walked over to Dan anyway. When he was seated next to him, Dan looked at him expectantly. "What does your future look like, Phil?" he asked calmly.

Phil hadn't expected that at all. Especially since he and Dan had never even discussed what Phil was going to do once Dan was gone. Phil had done everything he could not to think about it. But he realized what Dan was doing. And what Dan wanted him to do.

Aware that Dan's eyes were still turned to him, Phil looked at the camera. "I'm going off the grid for a bit," he said. "Just for these next several months, or however long it is. But then I'll come back, when it's all over. I promise. AmazingPhil isn't going anywhere, and I know…I know I'm going to need you guys just as much as you'll need me." Phil wanted to cringe himself into oblivion right then, because he'd never done anything sentimental or vulnerable like that on camera before, as he didn't think that's what most people wanted to see. So to make up for it, he gave his big, traditional, Phil Lester smile, and he turned to look at Dan doing the same.

"So there you have it, if you hoped Dan and Phil were going to become obsolete because of this, you thought wrong, unfortunately," Dan said. "Besides, I'm fairly confident Phil will show you all my tweet drafts and video bloopers and, I don't know, probably my secret diary since I won't be here to stop him, so look forward to that. And my channel will still be up, so Hello Internet will be safe from my deleting fingers forever." He smiled, and lifted two fingers to his forehead, though even that small amount of contact was sending needles through his entire skull. "I love you guys, thanks for everything. Pretty sure I've said that already, so I should leave before Phil starts crying. Goodbye, Internet."

Phil lifted his hand and waved, with a smile, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything, although he'd giggled at the comment about him crying. But when Dan had stopped recording, both of them just continued to sit there, in complete and comfortable silence, for what could easily have been hours.

Phil had to edit the video. He did it with Dan next to him, but there was very little Dan could do anymore. Once it was posted, Dan fell asleep for almost a continuous 24 hours, and when Phil couldn't wake him up, he called an ambulance.

Dan was visited in the hospital by many family members and friends during the last few weeks of March. He did wake up, occasionally, but Phil had figured out that Dan sometimes wasn't even asleep, he was just laying with his eyes closed because that made everything easier; not only for his drained body, but it also made visitors leave sooner. Of course there were some people he was happy to see, and he made an effort for them. But it got harder to even stay awake for Phil as the days went by.

April 7th was the morning when Dan felt the healthiest and most energized, and he and Phil had seen enough TV show deaths to know that this was probably the day. Phil had spent a lot of the morning playing video games on the TV, where Dan could watch him. But at some point Phil couldn't bring himself to do it anymore, and he just watched Dan instead.

Dan smiled at him. "Are you gonna be okay?" he asked.

Phil managed a brave smile in return. "I'll manage."

"Good," Dan said. "Because that'd be pretty rude of you to not let me die when I'm feeling like this."

Phil managed to giggle. "This has got to be the worst death scene in the history of any movie."

Dan wanted to roll his eyes, but he knew it would hurt too much, so he just packed as much affectionate sarcasm in his voice as he could. "We're not in a movie, Phil. This is actually how people go in real life."

"I mean you could have at least made it exciting," Phil said. "Or dramatic. What am I going to say in the video about this day?"

"You can embellish it if you want, we have such bizarre lives that they'd probably believe it," Dan pointed out.

Phil tilted his head. "You think you'll come back as a vampire?"

Dan managed to groan. "You did not just bring up my cringe fanfic."

"Fanfic?" Phil asked innocently. "I was just thinking it would be cool if I could live out my Buffy fantasies."

"Sure."

Phil giggled again. "Your fanfiction was really good. Even if it involved me dying."

"So did yours."

"And so does everyone else's," Phil said.

"You had one job, Phil," Dan scoffed, closing his eyes. "You were supposed to be the one to die first."

Phil couldn't laugh at that. He just looked sadly at his friend and sighed, "I'm gonna miss you."

Dan partially opened his eyes again. Even though it was a massive effort, he managed to lift his right hand and gently poke Phil's cheek. "You spork," he murmured, his eyes dropping shut again as his hand fell. Phil glanced at the heart monitor, and saw that it had gone still.

"Yeah," he said softly. "I am a spork." He traced his finger all along Dan's face for a few minutes, then stood up, thrust his hands in his pockets, and calmly left the room.


End file.
